Dear Mom

 This is written as a letter to my mom. I may or may not choose to actually share it with her, but this is what I would like for her to know.

Dear Mom,

I know you worry about me, and it is only natural as a parent. You know that I have been on a journey of deconstruction, though you've never asked me about my experience specifically. You have told me that deconstruction is just a fancy new name for what everyone eventually has to go through when they make their faith their own as teens or young adults. And while that is one way to describe deconstruction, it feels like you are trying to diminish my journey as something childish. Let me assure you, my faith is more mature now than it ever has been.

When I was a child, you taught me well about God, Jesus, and the Bible. I remember daily family worships, memorizing verses for Sabbath School, and never missing church attendance. I was fairly young when I started to be very serious about religion and wanting to get baptized. Around the age of 10 or 11, I was keeping a prayer journal faithfully. In my teenage years I became very interested in apologetics, giving an explanation for my faith and doctrines based on the Bible. In college and beyond I studied the Bible scrupulously. I read the entire Bible cover-to-cover more than once, and the New Testament more times than I even know. I memorized hundreds of Bible verses and many whole passages and chapters, even some whole books! I served as a student missionary on two separate occasions, for a total of more than 2 years. I taught adult Sabbath School and even preached the sermon a few times at church. I made it a point to try to have devotions every morning, including Bible study and prayer. Of course, there were times I was more habitual and times I was less so, but no one could ever argue that I was not serious about Bible study, theology, faith, a relationship with God, and mission service.

And then something changed in my brain. I saw through the farces of group worship and began to understand the deep hypocrisy of the church I loved, and I couldn't unsee it. This is not what Jesus has called us to. Deconstruction hit like a brick wall.

Do you think that because I am going through deconstruction now (in my late 20s and now early 30s), I had not "made my faith my own" up to that point? I had done nothing but study the Bible and read books about it in order to deepen my understanding and walk with Jesus. My whole spiritual life has been about making my own faith. And that is exactly what brought me to the point of deconstruction.

When my deconstruction began in earnest, it was not something I chose. I didn't wake up and think, "You know, deconstruction sounds really cool. I think I want to question everything I've been taught and shake the foundations of my faith for the fun of it." It just happened, and I can't explain what brought it on. But there came I point where I just couldn't take the pretending anymore. I couldn't pray without feeling like I was just faking it. I couldn't read my Bible seriously anymore because I was so familiar with it that it felt like listening to a broken record. To keep up the pretense was the safe option. Afterall, I have been taught that rebellion is sinful, and if you take one step away it is a slippery slope--what if I never make it back? So I had a choice between pretending that everything was fine, that I was still the perfect little Adventist girl (and surely losing my faith completely in a while), or taking a step back to try and gain a new perspective. The latter option is what I chose. And in taking that step back, I opened up my world to new perspectives. That is what has saved my faith.

I began to believe that the Bible doesn't condemn jewelry-wearing or tattooing outright. Yes, the Israelites were to put off their jewelry in times of spiritual consecration. But it was only at specific times and treated much like fasting--you don't fast forever! It was a way of humbling themselves before the Lord. In the New Testament when Peter tells women to not adorn themselves with braided hair and jewels, it is really about the expense, extravagance and showiness; and if that is the standard, we shouldn't wear smartwatches or expensive formal clothing. either. However, there is no blanket statement in the Bible that condemns wearing jewelry as a general practice. On tattooing, while there are a couple of verses in the Old Testament that seem to condemn tattooing, on further study it is not clear exactly what the Hebrew word is indicating. It most certainly had to do with idol worship. But even if it is something akin to tattooing, it is no parallel for modern tattoos which normally have nothing to do with idol worship. Since I came to these new-found perspectives on jewelry and tattoo acceptability, I no longer immediately judge or label someone as a non-Christian when they have jewelry and/or tattoos. I am far less judgmental and, I believe, a better beacon of Jesus's love. My prior beliefs were preventing me from loving my neighbor, thus they were in direct conflict with Jesus's own teachings and had to go.

At times in my young-adulthood, I had listened to extremely fundamentalist preachers who taught that listening to music with a drumbeat or belonging to certain genres was akin to mind-altering drugs or letting demons into your mind. As I have matured spiritually, I no longer believe that these preachers are telling the truth. The "science" used to support their claims is shoddy. Moreover as a musician myself, I know that beat and syncopation bring complexity, intelligence, and enjoyment to music. Why would God give us the ability to be creative with music--including melody, harmony, rhythm, timbre, etc.--and then forbid that creativity in all aspects of music but the melody (and maybe harmony)? According to these preachers, apparently only White-people-church-music is acceptable to God. But what about all the other people in the world? I believe that God values diversity and creativity! And so, I have come to believe that no music is inherently evil because of its beat or genre. It should be evaluated based on other aspects, such as lyrics. And I no longer only listen to hymn-style music with piano and strings. My musical world has opened up, and my appreciation for God-given creativity has sky-rocketed.

These are just a couple of examples of ways my former black-and-white thinking has become far more nuanced. I believe that this nuance is giving me a better picture of who God is and what He requires, as well as enabling me to follow Jesus more faithfully and love better.

Mom, I know you have noticed that I rarely go to church anymore, that I don't wake up extra early to read my Bible and pray, and that I am consuming more secular media than I used to. I know that this scares you. You think I don't have a relationship with Jesus, and so if I died today (or Jesus came back today), I wouldn't go to heaven and you would lose me for eternity. I understand how scary that must be for you.

I am not just sitting around in apathy. I am actively pursuing a deeper understanding of the Scriptures, of God, of His purpose for my life, and of the world around me. It just looks different than it used to. If this is any assurance, I don't believe that I am out of relationship with God. I believe that I am pursuing a more true and honest relationship with God than I ever have before. I also believe that any God that is good and worthy of my worship is big enough to handle my questions. He understands my heart better than I do and knows why I do the things that I do, thus even if the action itself is wrong He knows the intent behind it. He has to be big enough to handle that. He knows that I am doing the best I can while being honest with Him. If God is a loving Father as you have taught me to believe, He is not abandoning me. He will not forsake me. He is holding my hand as I walk this path, and He will see me through to the end.

I trust that. And you have to, too.